grief & grace

untangling from codependency and letting go

I haven’t shared with many people the details surrounding the end of a long-term relationship nearly 3 years ago with someone who struggles with alcohol use disorder. Mostly, I’ve kept it private because I care for them, want to honor their journey, and protect their anonymity. However, I’ve reached a point in my own journey where I feel compelled to share some of what I went through, with hopes that it may help someone facing similar struggles.

Let’s talk about codependency

First off, I’m not sure everyone fully understands what codependency entails. I also believe shame is one of the reasons people struggling with codependency don’t seek help and often isolate themselves. I know I felt ashamed of being in a relationship with someone battling alcohol addiction because it forced me to confront childhood wounds and relational patterns that not only shaped me but also contributed to why I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for so long, despite knowing better.

Along with the isolation, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, which isn’t uncommon for people who struggle with codependency. As a result, I spent months feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of whether I should stay with or leave someone who was clearly suffering but refused long-term help. When I finally couldn’t take it anymore and chose to leave, the insurmountable guilt I felt only exacerbated my grief, driving me even further into isolation.

Alcohol use is so woven into our culture that its overuse and dependence often go unnoticed and unchecked. If you’re struggling because someone you love is battling alcohol dependency or addiction of any kind, I encourage you to seek support. You may not be able to get them to commit to recovery, but there are free programs that can support your mental and emotional well-being as you navigate the complexities of loving someone who is grappling with addiction.

Personally, 12-step recovery programs, including Al-Anon and ACA, in conjunction with therapy, my people, my daughter, and this little bully named Luna 🐶, literally saved my life.

© Alana Foy 2025